i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
