i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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