life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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