i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So squirting runs in the family.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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