Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
