Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
