did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
