The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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