He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
