Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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