i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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