margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
