bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
