listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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