my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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