Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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