Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
