i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
