i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
