Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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