I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
