for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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