If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
