Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I believe in your delicious
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
