Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
