apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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