Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize