i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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