I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
