I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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