i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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