EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
