I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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