She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
