Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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