guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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