remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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