Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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