I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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