rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
