Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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