Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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