You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
