erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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