Taylor Swift is so right about you.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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