Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
