I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
