I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
