Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
