I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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