Please, let me fuck your mom
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
