remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
