we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
