To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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