So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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